A BIRTHDAY TO REMEMBER

A New Leaf

WOW! Friday, 15 September, is my 64^th BIRTHDAY and in preparation, everyone is being SO nice!! Even my lovely wife Linda has turned over a new leaf when she found that I was looking for some old friends in Dorset -- Denise Hinchcliffe, Maureen MacMullen or her friend Maureen Davies (I just wanted to contact them to see how life had treated them, and whether they had any large amounts of money they would like me to manage for them). Anyway, Linda has put down the bottle (I hope not just temporarily) and taken up a hobby - making Inca blow darts; this keeps her sober every day.

I’m the cook in this family but on this special day Linda insisted she would prepare my birthday meal, 'something really special', she said. That's when she can be persuaded to put down her new book which she finds fascinating, Lucrezia Borgia's Best Recipes.

We had a postal delivery this morning and SO many people sent me cards and presents. I'm obviously a very popular and much loved person. So ha! ha! to those who said I wasn't. Linda found a little box from Dr. Norman Pinsky marked 'something special for Brian'. She was SO excited she rushed straight into the kitchen with it and wouldn't let me see it. Playful girl! She said on Friday I'd have a real surprise …

I'm sure you all want to know what my presents are. Well, Linda's family in Bournemouth sent me a Beatles CD 'She Loves You Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!' a bit old perhaps but it's the thought that counts. And my ex-lawyer Dolly must be regretting falling out of my favour because she sent me a very weighty book Codes of Conduct for Gringos in Dominican Jails. A bit stuffy on the academic side but again it's the thought that counts.

Even those idiot message board morons didn't forget my special day. Pasty Boy sent me a book called Sock Puppets For Dummies; Hillbilly sent me Do It Yourself BBQ Building, and Bushbaby sent me a software programme Blog Trackers Anonymous. He must think I don't know where that OTHER scurrilous blog is coming from … ha! ha!

Even Marjorie Proops realises she had better be nice to me because of my contacts with the President. She has dedicated her latest novel to me. She was going to call it Life of Brian but apparently that title was taken. So instead she has called it You Don't Know The Half Of It Brian. I think the title is meant to be ironical but the laugh's on her because I DO know the half of it… ha! ha!

Xanadu Ranch sent me a bottle of wine; bit of an insult really since my own Ducksplatt del Pantherpiss is SO much better, but then, he never did have much breeding did he? And I suppose he meant it as an apology for two years of his unadulterated rudeness. Rocky sent me a nice offer: he said he could introduce me to a lunatic demolition company when I needed to blast my way out. Another one of his idiotic suggestions that only he could understand. But again, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

Even Diego sent me a gift subscription to one of his dating websites, clearly a thank you for all my valuable and knowledgeable contributions to his Forum before I resigned. It was inscribed with an admiring message which read, 'you won't find any heiresses here'.

Escott sort of sent me a present: he returned all the Pantherpiss which he had at his Coyote restaurant with a card inscribed 'From one sphincter to another' plus a busness card on which he had scribbled 'when you're ready to sell up and ship out, call me. BAM!'

My friends at Impuestos Internos sent an imported gift since it was marked in English 'Quick and Handy Franchise Calculator'. On the cover it said, 'For those unpredictable moments' … very thoughful of them!

The only person I didn't get a present from was that imposter Fidel Mendoza in Sydney, Australia. I must admit I'm somewhat taken aback. I thought he would want to curry favour now I've exposed him for what he is. I’ll bet he had a surprise gift in store for me but was too cheap to ship it all the way from Australia!!! Mind you, there is a parcel here from a Tracy Mendoza, his daughter; she must have sent the dessert course - it is shaped like a Christmas pudding with a wire exposed at the top ... I do hope she isn't one of those LESBIANS which there seem to be so many of in Linda's family.

So those were my birthday gifts and on Friday, my special meal that my wife will lovingly prepare, will be served at precisely 5.03 pm, when as on every day, I must have my dinner. OH NO! We seem to have visitors outside … 4 men with shovels, their uniforms sporting the logo, DR1 Defenders. But it's OK, Linda says they'll be here on Friday too, to do a little job for her later …Ta ta for now. Can't wait, darling, in anticipation, the dinner smells GORGEOUS …