Four Monsters

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STATUE OF FOUR MONSTERS

The Economist magazine, Christmas 2004, reports that the Germans are gradually coming to grips with their Nazi past by memorializing in exhibits, plaques, and statues the sins of the Nazis who ruled from 1933 to 1945. All over Germany and in Munich, which was the birthplace of the National Socialist movement, are memorials to the victims of the Holocaust -- the millions of Jews. Gypsies, and other undesirables who met their fate in the ovens of such places as Auschwitz, Dachau and Birchenwald.

But is there anything useful to say visually about four of the chief architects of the Third Reich's horrors, Adolph Hitler, Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler, and Joseph Goebbels? Would statues of these men, shown posing in Nazi uniform, vain and pompous in their self-glory, arms upraised giving the Nazi salute, by their very ridiculousness to modern eyes, convey anything of value about why millions of Germans gave these monsters fervent and undying loyalty during their twelve years in power?

Yes, says a French sculptor, with some artful additions to such depictions.

There are thousands of photographs of these men but no statues of them to help explain why they were the way they were. Pierre Augustan Lavaliere de la Pen, a French artist whose patriotic sculptures adorn the squares of many towns in former occupied France, has proposed a statue of the four men that would explain, at least in part, how their peculiar anatomy played a role in forming their personalities.

M. de la Pen says a famous marching song of the second world war provided inspiration for his proposed statue, the famous Colonel Bogey March. During the war, Allied soldiers sang the following words to the March's theme (click on for song sung by an Allied soldier during WWII):

"Hitler, has only got one ball; Goering has two, but they are small; Himmler, has something similar; but poor old Goebbels, has no balls, at all!"

M. de le Pen proposes that the four be portrayed as a group, in a bronze sculpture, each about nine feet high, posing pompously in Nazi SS dress uniform, with belted jacket, military cap (except for Hitler, who liked to be bareheaded), Nazi regalia, etc., complete except for two items: they would not be wearing underwear or military breeches. The anatomy of their genitals would be fully displayed in all their (peculiar) glory, according to Allied servicemen's depictions in the words to the Colonel Bogey March.

From speakers at the statue base, against a background of thousands of Germans shouting "Sieg Heil", as at a pre-war Nuremberg Rally, an Allied soldier would sing in an endless loop, the English words, above, to a harmonica accompaniment of the Bogey March.

Said M. de la Pen, "It would point out to present-day Germans that many of their near ancestors were ardent followers of a quirky band of sexual freaks, some with strong homosexual tendencies. It would have the further advantage that it would display to the world that Germans have a sense of humour, something that is not generally acknowledged or credited by many Germans themselves..."

Not everyone is hailing M. de Pen's suggestion with enthusiasm. Neo-Nazi groups in Germany and elsewhere, are threatening severe reprisals if their 'heroes' are so grossly demeaned. S. J. Butler, head of the American SS Brigade, based in Boston, said, "My troopers are ready to take whatever action we deem appropriate in face of this outrageous slur on the honor of National Socialism."

Tony Blair and US President, Geo. W. Bush, both refused to take calls from The Notional Pest for their views on the proposed memorial. However, it is understood that the president, an avowed born-again Christian, is of the view that public displays of nudity are "not the American way". A spokesperson for Mr. Blair would only offer the comment that, "with Prince Harry appearing in a Nazi uniform at a costume party, the PM is not about to comment about statues of Nazis with their (expletives) exposed." Former Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin was characteristically non-committal, but a close observer of the millionaire politician offered the comment, "Martin never had the balls to give an honest opinion of anything until the polls told him how the majority of voters thought."

I'm to star in a movie!

Buzzards Gotta Eat (Contributed)
So says an anonymous contributor to the comments on Wednesday's blog. That quote of course comes from The Outlaw Josey Wales film by Clint Eastwood. Josey Wales was one of MY forefathers (or as he is known in these parts José Wales). Did you know that a remake of this thrilling adventure story is currently being filmed very near Pata de Gallina? My lovely wife Linda tells me that the men I saw the other night with shovels are in fact film extras, not DR1 Defenders at all. Silly billy me! I was confused by their costumes.

This film remake has been especially commissioned by the President of the Dominican Republic, my pal, Leonel, to honour ME, one of the best expats the DR has ever known. Modesty prevents me from claiming the number one spot ha! ha! They were going to call this remake The Inlaw Brian Wales but they received letters of protest from Bournemouth UK. I am to have a starring role in this film (but they won't tell me what it is, yet). The female lead is to be played by that doyenne of cinema noire verité in England in the 1960's, Denise Hinchcliffe.

Can't wait to meet her again and renew old times as we mutually admire each other's thespian proclivities! Nor can I wait for my super special birthday dinner at precisely 5.03 pm on Friday 15th. which as you all know is my BIRTHDAY. I thought of inviting Denise as well but Linda says there isn't enough of the special ingredient for both Denise and myself.

A LITTLE JOKE (also contributed)
Now, I must tell you a joke. It's a bit risqué, as it sort of makes fun of the French, and you all know I don't like swear words or tolerate abuse of any kind. But I checked with my good friend, Jacques Chirac, and he said, "Tu me fais chier!" (My Fench is a bit rusty, but I'm sure Jacques meant well.)

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I
know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent
friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't
history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would
be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore
they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous
English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or
"pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers
at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since
'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals
fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on
the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known
as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!.Ta ta for now. I'll be back on Saturday to tell you lucky people ALL about MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!.

Write to Lyin Brian at avocadolyin@blogspot.com/

Drink Ducksplatt del Pantherpiss (a lot)

Drink Responsibly

Drink only Mine

A BIRTHDAY TO REMEMBER

A New Leaf

WOW! Friday, 15 September, is my 64^th BIRTHDAY and in preparation, everyone is being SO nice!! Even my lovely wife Linda has turned over a new leaf when she found that I was looking for some old friends in Dorset -- Denise Hinchcliffe, Maureen MacMullen or her friend Maureen Davies (I just wanted to contact them to see how life had treated them, and whether they had any large amounts of money they would like me to manage for them). Anyway, Linda has put down the bottle (I hope not just temporarily) and taken up a hobby - making Inca blow darts; this keeps her sober every day.

I’m the cook in this family but on this special day Linda insisted she would prepare my birthday meal, 'something really special', she said. That's when she can be persuaded to put down her new book which she finds fascinating, Lucrezia Borgia's Best Recipes.

We had a postal delivery this morning and SO many people sent me cards and presents. I'm obviously a very popular and much loved person. So ha! ha! to those who said I wasn't. Linda found a little box from Dr. Norman Pinsky marked 'something special for Brian'. She was SO excited she rushed straight into the kitchen with it and wouldn't let me see it. Playful girl! She said on Friday I'd have a real surprise …

I'm sure you all want to know what my presents are. Well, Linda's family in Bournemouth sent me a Beatles CD 'She Loves You Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!' a bit old perhaps but it's the thought that counts. And my ex-lawyer Dolly must be regretting falling out of my favour because she sent me a very weighty book Codes of Conduct for Gringos in Dominican Jails. A bit stuffy on the academic side but again it's the thought that counts.

Even those idiot message board morons didn't forget my special day. Pasty Boy sent me a book called Sock Puppets For Dummies; Hillbilly sent me Do It Yourself BBQ Building, and Bushbaby sent me a software programme Blog Trackers Anonymous. He must think I don't know where that OTHER scurrilous blog is coming from … ha! ha!

Even Marjorie Proops realises she had better be nice to me because of my contacts with the President. She has dedicated her latest novel to me. She was going to call it Life of Brian but apparently that title was taken. So instead she has called it You Don't Know The Half Of It Brian. I think the title is meant to be ironical but the laugh's on her because I DO know the half of it… ha! ha!

Xanadu Ranch sent me a bottle of wine; bit of an insult really since my own Ducksplatt del Pantherpiss is SO much better, but then, he never did have much breeding did he? And I suppose he meant it as an apology for two years of his unadulterated rudeness. Rocky sent me a nice offer: he said he could introduce me to a lunatic demolition company when I needed to blast my way out. Another one of his idiotic suggestions that only he could understand. But again, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

Even Diego sent me a gift subscription to one of his dating websites, clearly a thank you for all my valuable and knowledgeable contributions to his Forum before I resigned. It was inscribed with an admiring message which read, 'you won't find any heiresses here'.

Escott sort of sent me a present: he returned all the Pantherpiss which he had at his Coyote restaurant with a card inscribed 'From one sphincter to another' plus a busness card on which he had scribbled 'when you're ready to sell up and ship out, call me. BAM!'

My friends at Impuestos Internos sent an imported gift since it was marked in English 'Quick and Handy Franchise Calculator'. On the cover it said, 'For those unpredictable moments' … very thoughful of them!

The only person I didn't get a present from was that imposter Fidel Mendoza in Sydney, Australia. I must admit I'm somewhat taken aback. I thought he would want to curry favour now I've exposed him for what he is. I’ll bet he had a surprise gift in store for me but was too cheap to ship it all the way from Australia!!! Mind you, there is a parcel here from a Tracy Mendoza, his daughter; she must have sent the dessert course - it is shaped like a Christmas pudding with a wire exposed at the top ... I do hope she isn't one of those LESBIANS which there seem to be so many of in Linda's family.

So those were my birthday gifts and on Friday, my special meal that my wife will lovingly prepare, will be served at precisely 5.03 pm, when as on every day, I must have my dinner. OH NO! We seem to have visitors outside … 4 men with shovels, their uniforms sporting the logo, DR1 Defenders. But it's OK, Linda says they'll be here on Friday too, to do a little job for her later …Ta ta for now. Can't wait, darling, in anticipation, the dinner smells GORGEOUS …