2006 PHOENIX CAR SHOW

Electronic Convergence New Craze
At Phoenix Show, 'Smart' Computers Run Cars—And Monitor Body Functions

FecALARM Device That Tells You When You Have To 'Go Pottie' Causes Uproar At Trade Show.

By Crusty Blanche-Froid, Bathroom and Food Correspondent

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Phoenix, Ariz. Oct. 3. Everyone knows that someday soon our refrigerators will talk, our stoves will ask what we want for dinner and then go on to prepare it, and our TVs, computers, telephones, heating systems, etc. will merge into a single gizmo that we'll hold in our hand or maybe will be fitted into our eyeglasses. Whatever form it takes, the coming together of technology goes by the new buzz term, electronic convergence.

Today, at the 2006 Car Electronics Show in Phoenix Arizona's Metro Center and Exhibition Hall, the world of electronic convergence has already arrived, at least for the automobile. This year's show has as its theme: Bio-Tech Convergence — The Marriage of Technology and Biology. The vast hall contains hundreds of exhibits featuring hi-tech bio-electronic devices, but the one that generated the most attention, indeed it almost generated a riot, is a new device for use in automobiles that believe it or not actually senses when you have to relieve yourself. Yes, that's right: the device made by Sony is called FecALARM and it senses when you have to 'go pottie'.

I write primarily about developments in chic bathroom accessories, so pre-show hoopla got me all excited about the new device. I was almost first in the Exhibition Hall after the doors opened at 9.00 AM and was able to get close to the stage where the new Sony device was introduced.

Assam Muhammad al-Fekulent, its developer, opened his presentation by saying that in cars fitted with FecALARM, a sensor detects when the driver should visit the bathroom. On detection, the wearer of the rectal insert hears a rapid high-pitched beep then a siren like a fast approaching police car. These sounds direct the driver's attention towards a small TV monitor fitted into the dashboard. On the screen the bio-information appears with directions to the nearest facility. For those with food always on their mind, the screen also shows if doughnuts, coffee and other snacks are available at the comfort station. For double-safe protection, the information can also be relayed audibly through the car's speakers (but for those who like their privacy, the information can be re-directed to individual ear-plug receivers).

Mr. al-Fekulent said that FecALARM is just one module in the automobile total information and control system package. FecALARM works in conjunction with individual rectal suppositories that are self-inserted by the car's occupants. The 'do-it-yourself' suppositories, cleverly packed with miniaturized sensors and transmitters, are optional but as Mr. Fekulent explained, they are but one component of the total car management system and if not used, the system is "flying on one wing" — like buying an expensive hi-fi system with Radio Shack-quality speakers.

For those 'all-the-way-ers' who are not satisfied with less than the best, FecALARM constantly measures fecal pressure on the sphincter. When the suppository senses a pre-set pressure (adjustable to the wearer's danger level), it sends a hi-frequency, broadband signal (1.45GHz) to the car's computer. The computer screen then displays the information to the driver and other occupants fitted with the suppositories. Mr. al-Fekulent then pointed to a mock-up of the monitor with sample information displayed.

The graphic nature of the message on the computer screen brought forth gasps from the audience. One reporter, Maureen Dowd, representing The Washington Post Writer's Group, asked Mr. al-Fekulent if she had heard him right about the suppository aspect of the device. "Shove it up your ass," he replied. This response provoked an uproar and several of the hundred or so media representatives at the presentation rushed the stage trying to get at Mr. al-Fekulent.

After police had restored order, Mr. Fekulent apologized for his choice of words and admitted that he had set up the computer screen in a hurry just before the show, and had no time to program 'fancy-dancy' names for common bodily functions into the computer's hard drive. But he insisted that the device meets a very real need for travelers and that he hoped the press would see it as a vital part of the total information and control system, which is what electronic-bio convergence is all about. He hoped many of them would take a ride in one of the demonstration vehicles to see the total system in action. I had no desire to take up Mr. al-Fekulent's offer as my bowels have been acting up lately, but Scott Upchuk, my Notional Pest colleague, who is always probing the cutting edges of technology, did and his report follows.

A Car That Drives itself

By Scott Upchuk. Hot New Cars

Phoenix, Ariz. Oct 3. At the 2006 Electronics Show in Phoenix's massive Metro Center and Exhibition Hall, ten thousand visitors had a first hand look at some of the latest wonders of the electronic age. The theme of this year's show is Bio-Tech Convergence — The Marriage of Technology and Biology.

Hundreds of amazing new devices were on display, including a hot new bathroom deodorizer (shown next story, censor permitting), but the convergence of the motorcar with the biology of its occupants attracted the most interest.

MaxiPod Industries had a Toyota ES400 Lexus convertible that was laden with the latest bio-electronic gear. These luxury cars are already hi-tech, but Maxipod has added so many innovations to the demo vehicle that it makes any other car in the world look positively horse-and-bugger-ish.

The vehicle I rode in had the usual controls such as steering wheel, gas pedal, etc., but I was warned not to touch any of them during the demo ride. The 'driver's' only function is to tell the car where to go then sit back and enjoy the ride. Only in an extreme emergency, can the driver regain full control of the automobile.

The car is loaded with sensors: radar, sonar, GPS, iris scanners, rectal suppositories (see Crusty's story above), a huge data base, and a dozen other hi-tech devices feeding information into a 2.4 GHz Dell computer. During the pre boarding briefing, I was told that the computer constantly monitors everything it needs to totally control the car's operation. Further, as the vehicle moves along, the various speakers (and monitors) advise of points of interest, weather reports, world and local news, and any one of dozens of other trip parameters that can be programmed into the computer's hard drive.

Since the computer is also constantly monitoring the occupants' physical status, the speakers may suddenly erupt with suggestions (even orders). For example, they might be told that it was time that the 'driver' or a passenger should take some needed medication and this will suddenly appear on a tray that pops out of the instrument panel. The most amazing feature that I still can't get my mind around is the FecALARM module and its performance when anyone 'has to go pottie' (see Crusty's story above).

My demo drive in the Lexus was an experience I'll never forget! First of all I had to allow the demonstrator (to my delight a vivacious, 25-year-old blonde) give me instructions on how to insert the suppository sensor. The procedure wasn't at all embarrassing as I had feared as my lovely guide put me completely at ease. Then, fully 'sensored' and in the 'driver's seat' (with the delightful blonde seated in the other), I turned the key. The 'road tour' of a lifetime began.

ROAD DEMO OF A LIFETIME
A female voice from a speaker asked me where I wanted to go. At that point my lovely companion took over (for the only time during the trip.) "Take Scott and me on a half-hour tour through scenic Phoenix, and return to the Exhibition Hall," she said.

The engine then started up and with the various sensors presumably doing their thing, we were off on our tour of that most interesting desert town. All my lovely companion and I had to do was sit there and enjoy the passing scenery. I could never even begin to understand how it works, but the computer guided the car with amazing precision and safety through Phoenix's morning traffic.

Initially, I was a bit nervous, but was soon completely at ease, and began paying attention to the running stereo commentary coming from the car's speakers. The voice was female and had a calm, reassuring quality, remarkably like that of Hillary Clinton, soon to be the US president.

As we headed north on US 51, passing The Cactus Memorial Gardens in Phoenix's Squaw Peak City Park, 'Hillary' suggested that I observe the four-foot Englemann's Prickly Pear cactus that was coming up on our right. "If you look closely, Scott, you can see that a rattlesnake near its base is coiled to strike and it looks like a prairie gopher is about to be its next meal."

I've never seen a rattlesnake gobble up a gopher before, so I foolishly stood up on the Lexus' tooled leather seat, my hands on the windshield for support, to get a better look.

At that, Hillary's tone darkened like she was on steroids. She shouted, "Sit down, NOW!"

Her warning quickly reminded me that someone sitting in the driver's seat should never give oncoming traffic the impression that he or she is not in control. I sat down immediately but an approaching car evidently in panic, swerved off the road and careened down an embankment coming to a stop its front wheels all but buried in the mud of the Arizona Canal.

I craned my neck to see if anyone was hurt, but as the Lexus quickly deserted the scene, not even slowing down, I was glad the computer was apparently smart enough to realize that it was best we get the hell out of there. But within seconds, Hillary's soothing voice told me, "It's OK, Scott, nobody's hurt and the car is hardly damaged, and anyway, you probably did the police a favour, because according to my data base, the plate numbers match those of a stolen vehicle."

The near accident had a secondary effect. The excitement evidently made the sensor in my posterior signal the computer. I didn't need to be told that I had to go to the bathroom real soon but I was glad it told me where the nearest men's room was located in the Exhibition Hall. I knew there wouldn't be time to ask for directions when we got there and I couldn't have cared less if doughnuts and coffee would be also be available.

My experiences in the demo vehicle convince me that the future for the automobile is here. Mind you, the total package is not going to be cheap. My lovely demonstrator said that it would be in the vicinity of $50,000, initially, but prices will come down, as they always do after the introduction of revolutionary new technology.

But even that may be not too much to pay. After the New York bombings, people are too scared to get into airplanes or any other conveyance into which large numbers of people are packed. The automobile will be the only relatively safe way to travel. Not only that, but this car will take you anywhere in total comfort, and it doesn't care whether you've got bad eyesight, are subject to epileptic seizures, or are even capable of driving an automobile. Pissed or sober, this car will take you anywhere in perfect safety, as long as you don't stand up on the seat.

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